The truth

The deep and cool tones of my emotional existence have haunted me for years. The deepest most acute pain at times of stress or love or heartbreak. I'm sure it could be said that this is not necessary and could be curbed to alleviate the times in my life when they don't allow me to eat, and when they wreak havoc on my body in general. I wouldn't disagree. And still, I stand aside sometimes and can watch the clouds roll in. Its such a part of me, and makes me who I am.

Part of this new phase of my life is about not conforming to what other people define me as. And when I feel something deeply, I will trust it. I follow my feelings and reside within them in the heat of the moment. It leads to my heart breaking. That experience is real. It tears me apart. And I don't care what anyone decides is valid or not.

It was valid to me. It is valid to me. I don't understand many times why I am caught up in the whirlwind of existence in ways that drown me fairly completely. I must let myself go, into the depths, into a gorgeous swirl of color that fades in and out and brings both exquisite joy and fathomless pain. The real question is integration. How do I embrace and integrate the experience rather than collapse into the earth, wishing I could feel less in the moment.

The thing is I love feeling. I want to feel this much love for someone. I want to sense deeply indescribable things. I want to trust that they are placed in my path for a reason, to hold me, heal me, take me to the most love possible. I summon it, I pray for it, I long for that indescribably and gorgeous love. I know it exists. I know I deserve it.

I deserve to be heard and witnessed. I deserve to be given the time when I am in pain. And that is all part of it. Feeling that acceptance from another person, the willingness to hold me together when I start dissipating. I would do the same for them. I am endlessly loyal and I will fight for the people I love. I want the same. I long for the same.

The other night, walking in my firefly field that I turn to so often these days, I surrendered again. "I surrender" I said to the silent trees, standing vigil. I have no other choice.

I'm on a sacred quest everyday to feel, to accept myself, to find genuine compassion. I'll know it when I see it. Or, more accurately I'll surely know it when I feel it. Because for all their destruction, my feelings more and more lead me to the truth

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