And what are the mystic truths?
Nothing stays and everything dies.
I have witnessed so much death this year. So many different versions of it.
Actual physical death, the bodies piling up, the numbers spiraling skywards on news sites and broadcasts.
Emotional death. The death of love. Although I'm not sure love really does die. It recycles and transforms. Some of it actually never goes away, but embeds itself in your heart. For better, for worse.
The death of the plants as Fall descends.
The death of old parts of me that fell away like scales. And now, what do I do with all of this. I am in deep deep pain. I can't even pretend that I am not.
I am actually such a happy and loving person, I have so much I want to share and I love bringing the people I care about to magic. I have great power. I have great pride. I am proud to be who I am. I am special.
I am Pixie.
But when the silence settles in and I look at how my magic doesn't seem to work. When it feels like I can't share this. And I realize how happy I am doesn't translate. When I realize my happiness isn't as joyful as I thought. When all the memories I thought were being built into something bigger and more sustainable shatter into millions of pieces.
I feel despair.
I've been trying so hard to distill these mystic truths. But perhaps the only thing to do is to accept they are always going to be a mixture of pain and joy and I am going to have to be ok with it.
I've never quite felt at one with this world, I've always wanted to transcend it. Transform it. But sometimes it all comes down on me, a massive weight, and clots of gray. I haven't felt safe since I was a child.
I think maybe for the first time I am cultivating safety, but its a slow and aching process, a wavering experiment in hope. I barely trust anyone. I trust them anyway. With my whole self.
I barely want to move.
I move anyway, because I see the light, begging to embed itself over my skin.
I take this bitter pill, I beg the winds to change. I say this too shall pass.
I want to feel different. I want to erase all of the lingering weights from my past and totally scrub them clean.
So I wait for the tides to turn I guess, what else is there to do.