I've been on a journey this summer. Finding my own voice. Figuring out what I want. Learning from mistakes. And I find myself standing here, in a haze, as it draws to a close. Alone in many ways, and in some ways more connected to people than I've ever been. Because I am more authentic than I've ever been.
I feel stronger. Achy. Hopeful. And unbearably sad. The thing is, that sadness is just the normal state of things these days. Not one person I speak to is not being affected by the thick darkness that seems to hover over our heads; a cloud of bats, terrible smoke. And still, I feel even more determined to continue on. To love as deeply as I possibly can. To learn from every single mistake. To lead with hope every single day. To always listen.
There is a sort of liberation coming to terms with truly being on my own. It means I get to make my own decisions and trust my own voice. That doesn't mean I don't get it wrong. But it makes me a better person; more in control of my trajectory; less dependent on other people.
Each mis-step doesn't devastate me as much. I move through every deep emotion with more clarity and mindfulness; this way I will not be ground down as deeply into the dirt, which has always been the way for me. I want to rise up more often, be less easily destroyed.
All of this being said, somehow I can feel this overwhelming collective pain completely overtaking my environment and I am in deep amounts of pain. The thing is pain can be wielded.
Fight back. Take control. Don't let the darkness take over. And if you happen to feel more in control, take the wheel for other people who have been compromised. We have to take care of each other. We have to. Look at what is at stake. The tenderness of human kindness, pushed to its limit. Given no voice to speak. Genuine decency kicked to the side in the name of money.
Thats why I stick around. Thats why I won't let these shadows take over. Thats why, in every way I can I will dispel them for myself and for anyone being smothered. We all deserve the autonomy to be defined by who we truly are, not by our mental hangups, our fears, our mistakes. Who we are is who we are. It takes real courage to look deeper and not be tricked by illusions.
The essence of our existence, the core of what we are made of.
That is what I choose to see.
Ever onward. I will not give up. I can't look away though. I will not lose anyone to the absolute evil in our midst. We are too precious.
And evil it is. There is no question.