Society is sick. And I don't mean with Covid. Many Men melt at the mention of real vulnerability. They lie instead of telling the truth. They drop the feminine in the gutter and fail to listen to their own softness. They rape emotion. Even their own. At the expense of their own autonomy. The masculine and feminine are a part of being alive, and they are both important. We need each other. We should be protecting each other. Instead we mutilate truth and lie and manipulate. I'm not saying women are perfect. I'm saying there is a serious imbalance. I have some amazing, beautiful, protective, kind men in my life. I consider myself lucky. But they are few and far between and they can't change the culture alone.As a woman I feel let down 99 percent of the time. I demand consciousness to make a god damn entrance into this murky mess where we self isolate and condemn each other, refusing to listen. Mostly to ourselves. Hold my heart. And if you get to hold it, realize what a huge responsibility it is. If its too much for you, you're lazy. Wake the fuck up. And I'll do the same for you. And time and again I do it, only to be shoved against the wall and forced to hear your neglectful fantasies, pushing your insecurity into my mind, forcing me to comply. I'm supposed to be able to trust and lean on your energy. I'm supposed to be able to feel balanced. I don't want to have to be in defense mode all the time.
And I want to hold space because I open up because its in my nature.
No fucking more.
The truth? My worst fear in the world of dating is getting murdered. Or, raped then murdered. I'm not going to talk nice today. Talk to any woman. She'll tell you the same. Take some responsibility gentlemen. Look closer. Whats wrong here.
Whats wrong when I have always felt like prey. I have always felt hunted.
What is the balance between being open completely to love and compassion, and letting in the vampires?
I always think I've figured it out, but then I find another dark corner in the crevices of humanity and am always left reeling at the sickness rotting deeply at the core of alot of people.
I reject cynicism in all ways but sometimes I wonder if that is wise. Sometimes I wonder if I should hide from the world most of the time, guarding myself behind bricks and mortar.
I pride myself in giving freely. Being kind. Being genuine. Trying to not be selfish or fake. I'm never perfect, but its what I want..
And when someone takes advantage of that it feels quite like someone taking their dirty boots and wiping the mud and filth all over my heart. I only ever offered love.
Imperfect and messy love, but love all the same. I only ever tell the truth. And why is that not good enough. What is it that you want exactly? What do you want from us? Everything? All of it? Do you even know? Maybe take a minute to figure it out. Who are you exactly. And what kind of world do you even want? What are you expecting from me? I'll tell you what I expect. Chivalry. Soft and steady strength. The ability to listen.
Still I sit in the setting sun, waiting for a portal to open. Still I welcome in anyone to my heart willing to meet me there with good intentions. It may get messy it may be flawed, but its all true.
I want truth I want love I want connection I want healing. I want authenticity and kindness. Kindness most of all. And my epic search in my life is to find it, and protect it at all costs.
I forgive, I offer unconditional love. I look at humanity and say, show me what you have to offer, and shine the light on the dark corners. Open the doors, clean the cobwebs, and make a new day of it. I'm not saying I'm better. I'm saying this should be the goal. For all of us.
I'll never stop getting wounded; its the nature of being alive. And I'll probably never stop wounding by accident. But I'll never stop healing either. And I'll never stop taking responsibility. I want to leave everything I touch better than I found it.
This is my promise to myself.
Rise to the occasion goblins in the corners, shake off your bullshit and come forward. Take off your mask. Tell the truth. Fight the fucking system and listen to your damn heart.
Rise to the occasion you beautiful and powerful men of the world. Be better. Push back. Be brave and take my hand. Tell the truth.
And if you can't stay the hell away from me. I'm tired of doing all the work for you. I'm taking my heart back. And if you deserve it, I'll show you who I am.